There is no universal truth, nor is there gold at the end of the rainbow. Sorry.

Sometimes I wonder, "What's even the point?" and it seems that when I speak these thoughts aloud they are shunned. However, it doesn't make the question go away. All life is, in perspective, is an interview, in the religious aspect of course. The way you live here decides where you will go in the afterlife-heaven or hell, correct? I am in no way trying to be psychotic or sacrilegious, it's just people are too close-minded. Enough on that spill, though. On to the main events...
So, I have had like a kazillion (maybe even a trillion) people come up to me and tell me all sorts of rubbish about my life. The popular story of the past few weeks has been: "Oh, I never ever talk to you and stuff, but I just really think you should know your boyfriend is cheating on you." Of course, trying to be open-minded and see all sides of the party I give the accused the benefit of the doubt. On one side people are getting angry with me for letting it go easily, while on the other side the ones who I care for and who care for me tell me to let it go. And the one person who I can/could always count on is getting mad at ME for telling him what I heard. Justice is non-existent. I always tell my friend, Milli, not to worry about pleasing other people, but now that I am in her shoes I can see that it's IMPOSSIBLE to even decide what you want to do when people are hurdling a thousand possible-truths/possible-lies at you. Now, don't get me wrong. I am completely aware of what I wish my situation could be and was. In my ideal land of happiness, Josh and I would be completely and utterly in love and the only comment people would ever make about us is "I wish I could love like that," and, too, we would never fight. However, I try not to sit in this land too long because then I would loose all sight of reality. Reality is that things kinda suck, and things always kinda suck. If you look hard enough you can easily see your world crumbling down around you. And don't get me wrong, mi amgios, I am not claiming to be Little Miss Saintress who never fights, complains, or is completely dedicated, but I do bust my ass trying to keep the one thing that actually means a lot to me. Sometimes, that effort does NOT feel mutual. Maybe it's because everyone is throwing all these blows at me or maybe it's because the effort is, indeed, not mutual. Whatever the case, it's hard to ignore multiple rumors when before they even started you felt unloved (ahem.) I have no advice to offer anymore, and none that I am willing to accept. All I have in front of me right now is a group of supportive/non-supportive people and a motherload of rumors/truths. (Note: I am purely only giving both side the benefit of the doubt. I am trying to remain partial while examining my situation.) So it seems there is ALWAYS room for improvement, so I am going to try to kickstart that initiative, seeing as I have some help. I no longer feel like aimlessly ranting, though. Buuutttt, since everyone reading already knew or now is enlightened with my situation, I find no problem in adressing a certain person on my blog, on the intraweb.

Dear "Jim",
The time has come where I find it more than necessary to write, ranting to you on my blog that you probably have no concern for or will read. But since I'm giving the benefit of the doubt so often, I will grant it here too, that you might just mosey your way on here and read this rant addressed to you. Things haven't exactly been going "our way" lately, and by "our way" I probably mean "my way" because I am no longer sure what it is you want. Honestly, I don't know what you want to anymore. I don't know how to please you..and hearing all of this stuff-all of these hurtful things makes me wonder...what is it that's wrong with me? Can you answer that for me, please? Things that you used to say and things I loved to hear are no more. Please tell me why. Please tell me where our love has ran off to and how we can bring it back here-with us. I miss you. I miss how things used to be--before all of these ludicrous rumors. They obviously have some sort of drive and I want it terminated. I am the damsel in distress and my prince charming has gone missing. Please bring him home, please. Make all of this hurt go away. All I want is you back. I miss my baby.
Love you Always,
Your More Than Average Upset Girlfriend.

Folks, I must apologize for the suckiness of the quality of this blog. Please keep in mind that it is a Monday and that my head is spinning so fast I don't know up from down. I'll do better next time, I promise. At least I got it out...for now.

Running a race with no finish line.

So we've all been there. You know the point right when you think you've reached happiness, but then you come to a fork in the road and forget which route you're supposed to take? Well, if you're not familiar with this place I would be prepared to acquaint yourself with it...you'll end up there. That's the one thing I know for certain anymore. So, this whole blogging thing is kind of detrimental of the whole privacy thing, but at this point I just need it off of my chest. Let me update you, dear friend. Lately I have been really feeling, as the Veronica's put it ever so greatly, "untouched." Sometimes I even wonder if I matter to the one who matters most to me, to myself, to anyone really. Maybe that doubt caused this mess. Maybe if I thought I mattered I wouldn't matter and I wouldn't be where I stand now. I know, "Shut up crazy lady and please tell us the dagum story!"
So, let's just pretend (for the sake of privacy, of course) that this story is no longer about me. This story now is given to a girl by the name of Marigold. You see, Marigold had a boyfriend named Jim. Jim and Marigold had been going out for sometime but then things started to get a bit tense and Marigold didn't feel like she mattered at all to Jim. (Are ya with me so far?) Marigold turns to her best friends for comfort, particularly Charlotte and Randy (especially Randy, because he was just her go-to guy). Randy was the most laid-back person that Marigold had ever met. Randy hadn't a care in the world and need not impress a soul. Marigold admired Randy for that and aspired to be the same way. Jim started slowly edging Marigold away or so it seemed and she was breaking inside. Almost everyone could see that, except for Jim. Marigold still loved Jim more than the world even though he wasn't always there anymore. (Loves complicated, eh?) Jim started cutting conversations short, so Marigold would just call up Randy and laugh and talk nonsense. Marigold found comfort in Randy and felt better about her situation than she did before she turned to Randy. Then things got weird, Randy began acting like Jim in certain ways. Randy was slowly becoming distant and Marigold was frightened of losing her friend. Marigold decided that it would be a good time to have a talk with Jim and let her know how she was feeling. Jim came to talk with Marigold and when Marigold saw him she cried. She cried because she missed him, missed being loved, and missed the sheer happiness she used to be glistened with from head to toe. Marigold told Jim exactly how she was feeling and that she wanted things to change and that things HAD to change. She told him that he was the only person that had the capability to break her, but hoped he loved her more than to do that. He just looked at her with pleading eyes and was in disdain to see that he had hurt her so badly. Marigold hopes and hopes that Jim will make things better. But what Marigold didn't see is that Randy had been falling for her and was trying his very hardest to stray away from these feelings. Now Marigold stands looking down both roads looking as far as she can, but still not finding the answer to these conflicts. I wish I could tell you this story has a happy ending, but not even I know the ending yet.
C'EST LA VIE (that's life)

Lying is the new black.

So, today is my supposed "nine month anniversary", I suppose I was misled when I thought that would mean that my boyfriend would try to see me at all costs and make me feel important. That's what I get for thinking. It's apparently really complicated for my boyfriend to see me more than once a week when he can be with his guy friend every day. I understand the importance of friends, I really do and I don't care that he hangs out with him one bit...it's just like sometimes I feel like shouting "WHERE IS THE LOVE?!?" Anyways, he said he was going to practice and couldn't see me today, but when I texted him begging for him to kill me he simply replied "I'm at the 'canery' (which was oh-so relevant). After many attempts of decoding the message, I figured out that he was at the canAry. For those of you know what the Canary is (and where it is) that was completely random, wasn't it? I asked him who he was with and, of course, the answer was "Putt." (For those of you who aren't aware, Putt is his best-friend...who gets to see him more often than me..even outside of school.) Already upset with the academic team's situation of un-dedicated team members, I marched to the Canary to see the only boy that I had longed to see for the whole week. I expected the whole magical feeling, but that didn't happen.(Nothing's like the movies, promise.) I was just utterly confused because when I walked in there were four people sitting at their table. Two of which who obviously were not Putt. However, I am just glad that the other members were not of the female variety.If that were the case I more than likely would have told them where to get off, and him too. But that's not what happened, so let's not get ourselves wrapped up in that. Anyway, I ranted to Josh for about five minutes and then he kissed me and sent me about my way. That's sooo not the comfort I was looking for, but hey guys aren't all that sympathetic anyway. It's not that I don't love him or anything, don't misread me, it's just sometimes I feel like I'm just a thorn in the side to him. I just don't know if we're putting the same amount of effort into things, maybe I'm overexerting myself or maybe he has a lack of interest. Perhaps I just expect way too much of people. Maybe it's my "it's all about me" attitude that gets me all down in the dumps about this stop. More than likely I'm just being over dramatic...again, but whatever the case I wouldn't mind feeling a bit loved or needed.

On another note, here's a word of advice to you, dear friend. Don't begin lying, and if you do lie...stop before you get so badly tangled up on them that you, yourself, no longer know the truth. I hate liars, honestly. Sure, sometimes it's okay to "bend the truth", but I wouldn't suggest making it a habit. Little lies are the things that can hurt people the most, so fess up right away before you lie anymore or avoid the subject or don't lie to begin with. For example, if you say you are going to academic practice don't go play football instead without maybe telling the person you told otherwise to. Or how about the ever popular, "But I didn't push her up against the wall." (You didn't know about that one? Well, get prepared.) Today an unmentionable, fat turd pushed my best-friend's little sister up against the wall and then denied doing so and tried to push guilt upon me. First off, don't tell me that I was "talking crap" about my best-friend's little sister. I wouldn't do that, and I DIDN'T do that. If you are not responsible enough to say what you did was wrong your big hind-end needs to be marched right back to elementary school. Don't make up lies to get yourself out of trouble! Either you did it or you didn't and if you lie about doing it you're just going to end up more screwed than you were to begin with. Remember back in the good ol' days when lying was saying you didn't take a second helping snack or that you did not take little Johnny's fluorescent eraser? Unfortunately, we can't revert back to those days because lying has became the only way for us to function. If everyone was forbidden to lie for one day, even half a day the world would end up in pandemonium. Everyone lies, eh? A cheating husband wouldn't just come home and say "Honey, I'm cheating on you." He would try his very hardest to cover it up...up until he got caught. And trust me, they always get caught so don't rely on your "sneakiness" to get you out of things. And while we're on the subject of being unfaithful, stop cheating if you are. You look like a huge penis (even girls) and end up hurting more than one person...and honestly, if you don't have the balls enough to break up with one person, you sure as heck don't deserve to have another too.
As much as I have left to say I hate to leave, but I have no choice. Jude the Obscure is calling.

Trasgenders, gays, and Paul Blazer, OH MY!

I suppose before you begin indulging into my stories and random outbursts you should know a bit about me. I live in a small town and have ambitions too big for this place (will talk more about later). I am a sophomore at a high school where I hang out with the greatest people I've ever met. My friends and I always manage to find ourselves in the middle of some big shenanigan. I'm on the academic team, and if that makes me a "nerd" then so be it. Maybe I like being different, though. I have my flaws: I make up pitiful excuses to get me out of things I don't want to do, I complain a lot, and I pout when I don't get my way, but I still am one great gal. But enough about that. Let's move on, shall we?
Today should have been a great day, could have been a great day, but was it a great day? NO! The academic team went on a voyage to the great county of Boyd to a meet. But before we even made it out of our home county the drama started. Our coach decided that it would be a good idea to leave the school before one of our teammates arrived to get on the bus. Of course we all pitched a fit, practically threatening the bus driver with hopes he would turn around. Unfortunately, we were stuck with the God-awfullest bus driver who blatantly refused to do so. After complaining how awful it was that we left him, the coach decides maybe she should find out where he was. I suppose she called his dad or something, but the next thing I knew was that we were on the shoulder of the road in a huge bus, mind you. We waited for what seemed like forever for the teammate we had abandoned. Once he boarded the bus, we asked him when he got to where the bus was supposed to leave. It turns out that if our not-so punctual coach would have waited for four more minutes we could have saved everyone a load of trouble. (Next time she's late, I vote we leave her.)
So, we went about our merry little (SLOW) journey and finally arrived at the church (go figure) where the meet was being held. Now I'm not one to judge, but it seems to me that transgenders and churches don't mix. Obviously a lot of people didn't get that memo. Of course the team who laughs at any and everything gets stuck with a boy-girl/girl-boy moderator the very first round. Thankfully the majority of the team was playing poker. Yes, in a church. It was so hard to sit there and take "it" seriously and answer without bursting into laughter. Throughout the day there were many a people whose gender could not be easily defined without looking at their "no-nos." Gay people also seemed to be abundant. Seriously guys, who called the circus to come? Gay people, transgenders, and PAUL BLAZER, oh my!
So, who in the heck is Paul Blazer? Who in the heck ISN'T Paul Blazer should be the real question. They had some people with the oddest names and I for one have every right to call names odd, considering my own. They were the team everyone was afraid of, and no one could really figure out why. They went through most teams like they were freshly baked apple pies at a weight watchers convention, but hey confidence is good, right? WRONG! I met some of the most overly-confident, pompous, turd faces today. There is no need to get all big-headed even if you have beat every team you played in one day. Those little devils were the only people we had lost to and after a few matches more we met them again. bum bum buuuummm. But this time...it was for the FINAL MATCH of dooooommmm. (cue lightning and thunder) They were all like "We've already beat them, it's a piece of cake." We, however, had a different thought in mind. We were more than determined to prove to them that we weren't just hicks from up the holler. The questions passed at a rapid rate. First, we were down by a lot. After a time out and a strict talking to (and persuasion in the form of donuts, of course) we were ready to fight to our deaths. Well, not quite, but you get what I mean. Our score went up, went up, went up, went up, and went up until we were finally on their tail-ends. They were afraid and kept complaining about how their buzzers just couldn't have been working. After proving to them that they were well-functioning and calling them many a name under our breath, we resumed. We kept the scored tied...for a while. Something happened, every answer, every hesitation seemed to be against us forhibiting us to win. Things got ugly, and they got ugly fast. We were almost caught up, almost tied, but in the last few questions the blazer kids got a "brain blast" as Jimmy Neutron would like to say. Needless to say, we lost. Sure we came in second place, but it would've been so much sweeter to have put them in their place. I guess I should just be thankful I know whether or not I am boy or girl and gay or straight. Stupid mo-fos. We wanted those donuts, and we wanted them bad. So on the way home, the dummy bus driver was forced to stop and let us purchase some. (We showed him!) We all ate our donuts and (slowly) traveled back home.