Shh.

I've got a secret. You do too. Don't try to deny it to yourself. My secret has officially backed me into a corner and is threatening me for my life. It's after full-fledged consumption of all that is in me. I've got no where to turn. It's not like I can tell anymore people than I have. No, not without ruining my life. They can't really help me either, despite their best efforts. You may be thinking that I am making things seem worse than they are, and you may be right. Typically I don't really think things will "ruin my life," but this time is different. I keep telling myself if I try not to think about it then it will go away. However, I find my secret eating away at me, making it almost impossible to have thoughts that don't drift toward it. Even in class now my secret (of course not in the context as my secret) has been brought up, ridiculed, and made fun of in more ways than one. I can't take sitting there and acting like it doesn't hurt anymore. It does. I wonder if there is anyone else with my secret that I can talk to...see how they plan on getting rid of it. These past few weeks all I have been doing is sleeping when I get home and waking only when forced. All of these efforts are to maintain distance from what I have plagued myself with. The distancing is making me distant from the people I love. The one person I hold dearest won't even talk about it with me because "it breaks their heart." That hurts. I guess I understand that, though. But they don't realize, like I have finally come to see, that it must be faced. It won't go way on it's own, but it honestly seems like there is no good solution. I'm trying. I'm fighting the best I can, but I'm sinking out here on this ship all alone and I need a lighthouse to guide me to better days again. My lighthouse may be nearer than I can see, but I'm opening my eyes as wide as I can. Perhaps there is no lighthouse for me. Maybe I'm doomed to cope with my secret. That would mean that I'd have a constant companion. But I don't want that kind of friend. I want it to leave. I want to run, I want to run so far away that my secret will never catch me. I don't think that even Sonic himself could outrun this, though. I hate feeling like this and I'd love nothing more than to stop feeling this way, but I can't. Something must be done. I have to weigh my options and figure out what is the best way to pull myself out of this quicksand.

Life Alert for Damaged Souls?

"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up." Sure this quote is from an old person commercial but it is completely applicable to my life in so many different a For starters, I fell at soccer today..which is not meant to be a metaphor at all. I honestly fell. It hurt my pride and it hurt my back, but I'm alright. Other than that, I am falling for a guy. (When am I not, right?) But this time it's scarier, it's weirder, and I'm more reluctant but I keep giving in. And, maybe I do just want to fall in love for real this time, although I realize the odds of that are extremely slim. And, more tragically everytime I get over the past it comes right back up and tears me down again. I know I don't need my past back or anyone from the past who has been lost along the path to now doesn't need to get back on the bandwagon now. This train is definitely not making any stops to pick up anyone, but still it gets rough to think about the past and lacking the feeling that you have it all together. After losing the routine and balance you once had, you feel kind of out of control and lost, even if things are not that much different. This has ended up as a rant about a whole lot of nothing, but it feels good to even get that amount off of my chest. I am going to try to blog more often, and not just when I am upset...makes me look like an emo kid, huh?

Wanted:Really, Really Big Tide Pen.

You know that sick feeling you get in the very pit of your stomach when something gets spilled on your favorite shirt in the whole world? And the very urgent feeling you get to pour some weird looking liquid on it? And the disappointment you feel whenever you realize that your shirt is stained and that the stain is not going anywhere? That's the feeling that haunts me from time to time, but no worries, my favorite shirt is perfectly unstained. In some perspective you can say that my life has stains that I can't rid myself of. It's like no matter how hard you try to ignore the brown spot that hot dog sauce left on your white shirt it won't go away. The sad thing is, the more you get used to that stain the more you notice when it fades away...and you kinda actually miss it, even if it was hideous and ruining your image. and in a silly light, you may even wonder if the stain you once had misses you. The stain always leaves behind a little discoloration, though, which can be just as pesky as it was in its full intensity. You no longer have the company of the stain and you start to regret not trying other things when it was there. Like, "stain, do you even want to be here or are you just as unhappy as I am?"

ergh, i am too tired to finish this thought. i'll get back to it, though.

Emaleigh Lost.

So, you know the story of Adam and Eve, right? The two very first people ever made (ever) were in this wonderful garden where life was good and everything was simple (simple enough, anyway) and then one day after being tempted by the serpent to eat some sort of fruit all that changed. All the comfort they had once known was gone and the wrath of God was over them and they had to deal with whatever came upon them. What's the point here, Em? Well, the point is that I was in a sense in the garden, yet getting away with "eating the fruit" and I thought I wasn't going to get caught up in it because someone promised me forever and ever. The only being capable of promising anyone forever and ever is God Almighty. I know that now, but I was blinded by something that was certainly not God or anywhere in the same ballpark as God. Lately I have been slightly trouble by the decisions I made "in the garden." I know I can not dwell upon such mistakes forever, but it's hard to just pick up right after something happens especially when everyone expects you to be perfect. I hate the pressure of people needing me and having high expectations fo me because that leads to the inevitable letdown-plainly and simply. I am trying to be the person who I want to be, but sometimes I am not even sure who I want to be. I imagine myself standing on a teeter tot trying to find the equal balance between good and bad, but I realize I have to go to one side or the other at a certain point. There is no in-between as much as I'd like there to be. I guess my inner-strife is taking a hold of me tonight, but at some point it takes a hold of us all because we are never who we want to be. And in a way, we never really know who we are, do we?

I have cabin fever and can't think of a witty title.

It'd be great if I could type this blog telling you how absolutely grand life is and how much I love life, but that's not the case, so let's not even start to kid ourselves. It's been a while since I have blogged last, and there is quite a lot that has occured in these past few weeks. You see, we had an academic meet in Richmond and granted I didn't get to converse with Josh as much as I would have liked, but he needed to rest, so we only talked briefly. I made it pretty clear that I was going to bed soon, but obviously it seemed logical to him to believe/make up a rumor that I cheated on him with a certain member of Pikeville's team the Monday following the meet. This is how I found out that I "cheated" on Josh. On my way up the stairs to second period I read my text, which said "I heard some bad news on you." First off, I was appauled at the moronic language that had been used. By all means, he is a moron, but he is typically gramatically correct. Secondly, I just thought it would be something silly. Although texting is not supposed to be allowed in school, I texted him back and I was like "What are you talking about?" Well, the saga continuted throughout the day and I called him after school. He said he didn't want to talk, but I was persistent because well, no one likes to be falsely accused. So, we got into a yelling match and the conversation was terminated. We talked later that night and he said he "just needed time to think." Of course, I knew we were going to break up, but I chose not to believe it. But when I asked him if it was over he said he didn't know. As if things weren't already confusing enough. So, the next day I texted him and asked again. He replied with the ever-so clever (yea, right) "I think you know." Well, why the heck would I be asking if I knew? I wouldn't be, huh? So, I texted him back and said "Well, if it wasn't over it is now!"

That's the break-up story. So, here's the reflection on that story. I was stupid, and I am not afraid to admit it. Yes, I should have ended it way before when it was, but I felt like I HAD to stay with him for certain reasons. But now that's it's over I am pretty glad. I would love to have a bit more closure, though, and hopefully I will get that. It's rather funny how people are one second and then how they change the next, though. Oh well.

But, enough on that stuff...
in happier news, I do have a crush on a pretty dandy guy, but I don't think anything serious will happen soon, and that is perfectly fine!
I also plan to play soccer.

And, I could go on about the weather, but the cabin fever is kicking in and I'd really rather not talk about how sucky of a situation Eastern Kentucky is in.