Life isn't a journey; it's a hurricane.

Here I am again facing my computer screen with a lot to say. I always end up holding it in for too long, and then I'm not even sure what to say, but here goes.

About a month ago I got hit with the harshly bitter reality that the boy I deemed my soulmate, was most certainly not. He left me. It sucks being left, there's no other way to put that. I got down on myself at first and convinced myself that it was because I'm useless, because I can't be loved, because I'm fucked up. I am still struggling through some of those issues, mostly because I was never 100% confident in myself to begin with. It's getting better. It really is. I just want to hate him and let him go, but he won't really let that happen. He is the pompous asshole that he's always been, but it's now more clear since he won't let me move on and do okay for myself. He wants to keep me hanging on to a glimmer of hope, even though he claims he broke up with me to save me from being lead on since he's going to Nashville for college. FUCK THAT. Take your bs and just gtfo of my life. Go camping, f girls, get herpes, and just leave me the hell alone.

But besides that there's a whole new whirlwind of awful.

After the breakup, I started kind of "talking" to this guy. He's wonderful, nice, cute, and pretty awesome. However, I think he is just aiming to be Mr. Right Now if even that. There isn't too much more to elaborate on there other than the fact that that is not what a girl like me needs. And by a girl like me, I mean, a girl with a terrible need to love and to be loved.

My bestfriend is leaving. He's going. Everyone else knew before me. Unimportant people. People who don't even care about him like I do. Everyone says, "Em, he'll be back. Don't worry." However, I have a hard time convincing myself the world isn't a dark hellhole, considering all that I've been through. He loves me. He really truly does. I don't know why I was stupid enough to not see that before now. But now I do. And now I see that I love him in some weird way. I could throw out the "I've-never-ever-felt-this-way"s and the "Omg-he's-perfect"s, but no...that's not me. Our relationship, if it happens, would be the most realistic thing...not fairytale, not anything like that...it would just make sense. And sensibleness is something most of the world lacks, and something I grasp for. Something I need. But he's leaving. Sure, it'd be possible. But he's leaving. He's leaving. He's leaving. Maybe if I say it enough, it'll sink into my skull. I don't want him to go, obviously, and I want to stop it. No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I can't.

On the inside, I'm tearing myself apart. I don't know what to do. I just don't. Every time I try to play out the situation in my head, it fades to black before I can see what I need to see. Maybe it's all part of the mystery.

Who know's what will happen, or what the life will throw at us next. Maybe we'll be able to win the game in overtime. Maybe it will all work out. Maybe. But I need a definite. I need to know that something is going to go right. I need to know, but I don't.

Here's to hoping.

C'est La Vie.